The nice vs. kind difference
There’s a video making the rounds on TikTok right now about a mom who’s teaching her daughter to be kind, not nice—and let me tell you, I’m here for it. Because I’ve been living this philosophy for years, and my 13-year-old daughter is living proof that it works.
Nice girls smile when they’re uncomfortable. Kind girls set boundaries. Nice girls stay quiet to keep the peace. Kind girls speak up for what’s right. Nice girls shrink themselves to make others comfortable. Kind girls take up the space they deserve.
Related: A little girl’s heartwarming dance moment went viral—and it’s a kindness lesson you won’t forget
The early signs
I realized the difference between the two when my daughter was just a toddler. At the ripe age of two, she already had a finely tuned BS detector that would make a CIA interrogator proud.
Picture this: We’re at a playgroup, that special kind of chaos where toddlers practice their future negotiation skills by fighting over plastic toys while parents pretend to make small talk but are actually calculating how much longer they need to stay before it’s socially acceptable to leave.
There was this one little boy who kept snatching toys from my daughter and being unnecessarily rough. She tolerated it a few times, moving on to other toys before he hit her last nerve and she shot out her arm like a tiny traffic cop, looked him dead in the eye, and screeched with the fury of a thousand wronged toddlers: “NO. ME NO WIKE DAT.”
I nearly choked on my lukewarm coffee. The other mom looked mortified (though not enough to, you know, actually parent her child). But in that moment, I knew: My kid was going to be alright in this world.
Kindness has a backbone
That’s the thing about kindness versus niceness that so many people miss. Kindness has a backbone. Kindness has standards. Kindness says, “I’ll help you up, but I won’t let you walk all over me.”
Niceness, on the other hand, is often just conflict avoidance wearing a pretty dress. It’s the social lubricant that keeps the gears turning smoothly, sure. But too often, especially for girls, it becomes the expectation that they should smooth things over at their own expense.
The middle school battlefield
My daughter’s now 13, and that same boundary-setting spirit has evolved into a teenager who suffers absolutely zero fools. The middle school social landscape can be brutal, but her ability to be kind while maintaining firm boundaries serves her well every day.
She’s not afraid to speak up when something isn’t right, to defend herself or others when needed, and to stand her ground in the face of pressure. But she’s also genuinely compassionate, quick to help someone in need, and thoughtful about others’ feelings.
Raising future women, not pleasers
Look, I’m not saying my daughter is perfect. She can still slam a door with the best of them and the eye-rolling? Olympic level. But when it matters—when someone is being bullied, when a friend needs help, when boundaries need to be set—she knows how to be kind. And sometimes being kind means pushing back against unkindness with the full force of her personality.
Choose kind over nice
So if you’re raising daughters (or sons, for that matter), I encourage you to rethink “nice.” Nice keeps the status quo. Nice doesn’t make waves. Nice accepts mistreatment because it doesn’t want to make a fuss.
Kindness, though? Kindness refuses to accept injustice because injustice only serves to repress. Kindness stands up and says, “That’s not okay.” Kindness has enough self-respect to demand respect from others.
In a world that still expects girls to smile and take up less space, to be pleasing and accommodating even at their own expense, I’ll take kind over nice any day. Because I’m not raising my daughter to make everyone comfortable. I’m raising her to be comfortable with herself—strong boundaries and all.
And if that means occasionally telling someone “NO. ME NO WIKE DAT,” well, that’s a life skill I’m proud to see her master.
Related: “No one tells you this”: Parenting lessons from Reddit that hit home