Parenting is tough. Whether it’s the 500th “why” of the day, the epic tantrum in aisle five, or just the sheer exhaustion of keeping tiny humans happy and healthy, we’ve all been there: the edge of our patience. Enter: the parenting safe word. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. This isn’t about “spicing things up.” It’s about calming things down.
In a now-viral video that’s racked up over 1 million views, fatherhood coach Locke Haman explains why parenting safe words might just be a game-changer for overwhelmed parents. “It turns out safe words aren’t just for kinky sex anymore,” Haman says. The idea? You and your partner pick a word—any word—that signals, “I’ve got this. You need to step away.” Think of it as a pre-planned pause button for when emotions are running high.
Why you need a parenting safe word
- It’s a Break Without the Guilt.
We’re conditioned to believe that we need to keep it together 24/7 for our kids. But newsflash: Parents are human. A safe word gives you and your partner permission to tap out before frustration turns into yelling—or worse. It’s a way to normalize taking a breather without judgment or shame. - It Models Emotional Regulation.
Imagine you’re losing it over a spilled bowl of cereal, and your partner walks in and calmly says, “Pineapple.” You pause, step away, and your partner takes over. This not only defuses the situation but also shows your kids that even adults need strategies to manage big feelings. - It Builds Teamwork.
Parenting is a tag-team sport. A safe word reinforces that you and your partner are in this together. It’s a way to have each other’s back when the going gets tough. Haman nails it when he describes the magic: “Imagine the confusion when I’m in the middle of losing my temper, and mommy walks in and says, ‘sassafras,’ like she’s casting a magic spell, and I just stop and walk away.” - It’s Practical and Powerful.
Using a safe word isn’t just about avoiding meltdowns—it’s about deflating them in a way that helps everyone save face. “That’s like the holy grail of parenting,” Haman says. “Mess with your kids, deflate an explosive situation, and allow your partner to save face because you used a safe word instead of yelling at them.”
Related: How empathy (even during meltdowns!) can actually teach your kids to do the right thing
How to set up a safe word
- Pick Something Easy and Unexpected.
The weirder, the better. Think “cantaloupe,” “unicorn,” or yes, even “sassafras.” It should be memorable enough to cut through the chaos but neutral enough to avoid triggering more drama. - Agree on the Rules.
Both partners need to commit to respecting the safe word. If it’s used, the parent in the hot seat steps back without argument or explanation. - Test It Out.
Start using the safe word during low-stakes situations to build the habit. That way, when things get heated, it’s second nature. - Normalize the Process.
Let your kids know that it’s okay for parents to take breaks too. Explain (in kid terms) that everyone needs to calm down sometimes.
Related: No, gentle parenting is not permissive parenting
Destigmatizing the tap-out
Parenting safe words aren’t about admitting defeat. They’re about staying in control by knowing when you’re not. By planning ahead, you’re creating a system that supports healthier communication, calmer interactions, and a stronger partnership.
So next time the chaos is building, remember: It’s not just okay to say “sassafras” and step away—it’s smart, and it might just save the day. After all, a calmer parent is a better parent. And isn’t that the ultimate parenting win?
