Intimacy starts outside the bedroom. Most people think intimacy occurs inside, but it seems to me this could not be farther from the truth.
Intimacy is a taboo topic in our society. I am not referring to only physical intimacy but also emotional and spiritual. For some reason, it makes us uncomfortable; it rattles us.
Intimacy is about honesty, love, and connection. It starts with connection, but the other pillars are essential.
Our connection with another is almost like plugging into an electrical outlet, generating energy that makes our body tingle from head to toe. It makes us feel alive.
It is no coincidence that when we are “in love” and connected, we are glowing. We can’t stop sharing ideas with each other, talking for hours late into the night. We have butterflies in our stomachs when we think about our lover, and of course, our genital organs also get aroused. Our desire for each other is connected at each level with our thoughts, voice, and heart; it is not only a sexual one.
Much has been written about sex and intimacy, and the New York Times published the top eight books for better sex. The list includes amazing authors, some of whom I admire greatly as people, physicians, leaders, and educators. Their books have a lot of value and information.
Reading is important, as well as coaching and therapy. There is a role for them indeed. They are guideposts and handrails to help us get back on our feet.
We also have pills and medications to increase libido and our desire for another. We hope that if the desire is there, we can rebuild our connection. As a urologist, these are part of the tools we use to help patients.
We all wish things were so quick and simple. I mean, the alternative of doing the work, stripping away the ego, surrendering, and asking for forgiveness for the pain and hurt that caused the disconnection is a lot more vulnerable, gut-wrenching, and painful for sure.
Yet any growth or intimacy takes work. It is not something that happens by default. It takes a conscious effort to stay mindful and connected, and at the root of it all, it always comes back to love.
Love for ourselves and love for another. It is about deciding that love is the answer as much as we can rationalize all the other ways we distract ourselves so we don’t face the discomfort of our vulnerability.
It is not painless, and not for the faint of heart, to have the courage to lay in the metaphorical nakedness with another. Yet walking around with armor around us, a shell that each time gets thicker and heavier, will only make us feel depleted from carrying the heavy load of anger and contempt.
It is when we release the load, open our hearts, and crack the shell layers that we can fully see our light that has been there all along.
So, it’s OK to crack, break, and rebuild. It is OK to become your own Kintsugi and put all the broken pieces back together with gold. That is intimacy.
And it starts outside the bedroom.
Diana Londoño is a urologist and can be reached on Twitter @DianaLondonoMD.
