The concept of being a “good mother” is fraught with expectations—cultural, generational, and deeply rooted in our ideas about family roles. For many moms-to-be, the early days of pregnancy bring not only excitement but also an unexpected layer of scrutiny, often from well-meaning family members.
One expectant mother recently took to Reddit’s “Am I the A——?” forum to ask if she was wrong after a tense encounter with her mother-in-law, who went so far as to tell her she wouldn’t be a “good mom.” This post prompted a flood of responses from other women who’d also struggled to set boundaries and maintain their independence during pregnancy.
Here’s the backstory, which might feel all too familiar to many new moms: the mother-in-law, excited about the new arrival, had made herself a regular presence, often stopping by unannounced and offering unsolicited advice. She had even added her own decorations to the nursery, seemingly without concern for the mom-to-be’s taste or preferences.
In her Reddit post, the mom-to-be shared a few frustrating highlights:
“Once, she literally brought over an IKEA bag full of stuff and put it in the nursery. It doesn’t match, but I’ve just been saying things like, ‘Oh, thanks so much for the thought.’ Yesterday, she came by uninvited again, looked me up and down, and said, ‘Really? Joggers? Thank god Felix isn’t here.’ She then walked straight into the nursery, asking where the pillow she’d put in the crib had gone, why I’d removed the fairylights, and so on. I explained that I took them out because they’re potential safety hazards to the baby.”
This kind of intrusion had become routine, and it culminated in a moment of harsh criticism. After several judgmental remarks about her “unfit” parenting decisions, including a blunt “You’re really not going to be a good mother at this rate,” the mom-to-be had finally had enough and asked her mother-in-law to leave.
Generational conflict and the ‘good mother’ standard
Many readers found this post painfully relatable, sharing stories of times they, too, had faced unsolicited parenting advice from older family members who seemed more invested in tradition than in new moms’ autonomy. In this case, the mother-in-law felt that her own experience raising three children made her the best authority, telling the mom-to-be, “You should really listen to my advice.” Yet, despite any well-meaning intentions, the constant comments and criticisms left the new mother feeling undermined, judged, and exhausted.
This tension between new moms and their mothers-in-law is hardly new. It also taps into the deep and sometimes tense role between new mothers and their moms and mothers-in-law, who often mean well but don’t consider how parenting has changed, or whether or not their advice is wanted.
Why tensions spike: The science behind mother-in-law conflict
As it turns out, there are some scientific and social reasons why mother-in-law relationships can become strained when a new baby is on the way. Studies show that grandparents, especially those who raised children themselves, often have strong protective instincts rooted in evolutionary biology that can make them feel responsible—even entitled—to weigh in.
“Research has shown that the arrival of a grandchild activates emotional and caregiving instincts in grandparents, prompting biological responses linked to empathy and bonding” found a study in the Proceedings of the Royal Society. (You can read more on the brains of grandmothers, an emerging field here.)
The instinct to protect doesn’t just affect grandparents. Mothers-to-be are navigating their own powerful instincts, leading them to develop strong opinions on what’s best for their child. When these biological instincts meet generational ideas about “good parenting,” they can easily create a perfect storm.
Bridging the generational divide: When parenting advice feels outdated
On top of these instinctive responses, generational differences in parenting styles often complicate things. Many new moms today are influenced by current research, which emphasizes practices such as creating a safe sleeping environment free from loose items, avoiding certain foods during pregnancy, and breastfeeding.
These standards may be vastly different from what previous generations practiced, and some grandparents may take these changes as an affront to the parenting methods they used.
For instance, while baby-proofing items like pillows and string lights are common advice today, previous generations might see these changes as overly cautious. New moms may find themselves defending their choices, while their in-laws struggle to understand why their own methods aren’t trusted.
Setting healthy boundaries: balancing family dynamics and self-care
Given these natural instincts and generational divides, how can new moms set healthy boundaries without damaging family relationships? Mental health experts suggest that effective communication and boundary-setting can go a long way in preventing resentment. Here are a few strategies that can help new moms manage these tricky family dynamics:
1. Express gratitude, then set limits. Acknowledge the support and love that family members want to offer, and then gently establish boundaries. Phrases like, “I appreciate how much you care, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page about some things,” can create a cooperative atmosphere.
2. Explain the ‘why’ behind decisions. Many well-meaning family members simply don’t understand the reasoning behind modern parenting practices. When explaining choices, share the reasoning rather than making it a personal disagreement. For example, “I took the fairylights down because of the latest safety guidelines on crib setups.”
3. Ask for support with specific tasks. Redirecting their enthusiasm toward specific helpful actions can ease tensions. For example, “Could you help by bringing meals in the first few weeks after the baby arrives?” channels their energy into something the new mom finds genuinely helpful.
4. Enlist your partner’s help. Many moms feel it’s easier for their spouse to navigate these family dynamics. If it feels right, have your partner communicate boundaries to their own parents to reduce potential friction.
Finding peace in family relationships
Ultimately, navigating the pressures of family dynamics during pregnancy and early motherhood is a universal challenge. Learning to accept support while creating necessary boundaries can be an empowering process, one that strengthens family ties rather than fraying them.
There may be no one definition of a “good mother,” but standing up for your beliefs, creating a supportive environment, and making choices aligned with your values are all part of what makes a parent “good.”
