Invisible labor. The mental load. Whatever you call it, many moms know the feeling of being the engine behind the family—managing everything from dentist appointments to dinner plans while also absorbing the emotional needs of everyone else.
In this episode of The Motherly Podcast with Motherly co-founder Liz Tenety, parenting coach Sam Kelly shares how a breaking point became her turning point. From redefining chore charts to creating her family’s “Big Three” system, Sam offers practical advice for moms looking to stop the one-mom show, lighten the mental load, and raise kids who contribute meaningfully at home.
Meet the expert:
Sam Kelly is a parenting coach and speaker helping moms reclaim balance by making invisible labor visible—and shareable. Her viral “notice and do” method empowers even young or neurodivergent kids to take initiative at home. Her debut book with HarperCollins is expected in Fall 2026.
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Motherly: Tell us how you became a mental load coach. What happened that led you here?
Sam: A few years ago, I hit the wall. I had a breaking point with all that I was carrying and managing 24/7 largely on my own. I have a really great supportive husband, but we fell into these traditional roles: he goes to work, I stay home—while also working simultaneously on my own stuff.
I had a breakdown and said, “I’m no longer willing to continue to sustain this.” We needed to confront the inequity in our relationship, have the hard conversations, teach him about the mental load, and how to step up and be a more proactive contributor—without relying on me to make a list of what needs to happen.
Running a small business, shooting emails off while changing diapers, and carrying the mental load felt like being the engine under the hood that keeps the entire car—and family—moving forward. We worked on that for about a year. It was really hard, but we came a long way.
Then one night, I was making a Saturday morning chore list for my kids, like a chore chart. And I had this light bulb moment where I froze, dropped the red magic marker to the ground, and thought, what am I doing? I just spent the entire year teaching an adult man how not to rely on me—and now here I am making a list for my kids, unintentionally teaching them to rely on me, the mom, to be the only one who notices and delegates tasks.
At that moment, I said, we’re not doing this anymore. We are not perpetuating this cycle. This ends with me. And that’s when the phrase ‘notice and do’ was born. I told my kids the next day, Hey guys, we’re switching it up. We’re not doing chore charts anymore. I’m not making you a list. You are capable of noticing what needs to happen—and I’m going to teach you how to notice and do it on your own.
Motherly: Modern motherhood looks very different from how things used to be—when extended families shared the load. Your approach isn’t just about dividing tasks between partners, but expanding responsibility. How can kids, community, and even technology help relieve some of that burden?
Sam: The mental load is a whole-family issue. Whole-family issues require whole-family solutions—and kids are part of the family. Instead of this being something just for mom and dad to figure out, it’s a whole family team working together. We’re not doing the one-mom show anymore.
Motherly: How do you recommend we actually start to talk to our kids about what the mental load of a family is?
Sam: I would start by teaching them what noticing means and how to do it. It’s a really, really simple, non-threatening way to help kids understand that like laundry doesn’t magically just happen. Right. The dishes don’t magically get done. There’s no fairy that comes at night that does it all, and that there are things going on in your brain.
So for example, with the laundry, teaching them, this is how you manage your own laundry. There are steps to this, like first you’re going to get your dirty clothes up off the floor. You’re gonna look at them, see if they’re dirty, if this is how you can tell. They’re dirty. You’re going to give it a sniff. You’re gonna look at it. If it’s dirty, this is where you’re gonna put it in the hamper. If it’s clean, let me show you how to fold it and put it away.
When your hamper gets about this full, that’s how you know that it needs to go in the wash. Let me show you how to start a load of wash. This is where the detergent is. So they start to understand that there’s all these steps that happen, and the work of managing a home is the noticing work.
Motherly: You have a particular technique called “noticing goggles.” How did you come up with this concept and how does it work?
Sam: Noticing goggles are great for younger kids and neurodivergent kids. You cup your hands around your eyes and say, “Let’s go see with our noticing goggles what needs to be done.” Let’s go to the playroom, for example, or your bedroom, and see what’s out that needs to be put away.
You’re having to pull back the curtain in your brain to make what’s always been invisible—and happening automatically—visible to them. Just because we say “go notice things” doesn’t mean they know how. We’ve been doing this forever. We are pros at noticing. They need to be taught, but it is a teachable skill.
So we go into the bedroom and say, let’s start with the floor. What can we notice on the floor? We scan the room back and forth. Oh, there’s paper or garbage—we pick it up and throw it away. Then we ask, what else can we notice with our goggles on? Let’s look up high—maybe on the bed or dresser.
It’s helpful for neurodivergent kids because when we say, “Go clean your room,” they often feel flooded with how much they notice. It’s overwhelming and they shut down. That can look like defiance, but it’s actually overwhelm. So instead, we say, just start with this area. Then we’ll go to the next. Piece by piece, we show them. We do it together.
Motherly: You also teach a “Big Three” system instead of a chore chart. How does it work?
Sam: Big Three are three things you want your kids doing every day that are realistic for them. This is where we teach cleaning skills—if we want our kids to clean the house, we have to teach them how.
For example, my kids’ daily Big Three is:
- Make their bed.
- Notice if the dishwasher needs to be unloaded—emphasis on the noticing. I’ve taught them how to check if it’s clean, and they divide the shelves between them.
- Track and manage their laundry. Even if it’s not a daily task, they know to check the basket and assess. My 7-year-old will say, “It’s kind of at this level. I think it could go another day or two. I’m planning on starting it on Thursday.”
That’s the Big Three. It can be anything that’s going to be realistic and doable for your kids. We want it to feel fairly easy for them to accomplish. We’re not giving a 7-year-old the task of scrubbing the bathroom top to bottom. It’s about realistic, achievable things that help them get comfortable lifting those weights every day.
Listen to the full episode with Sam Kelly to learn how to lighten the mental load and raise capable, contributing kids.
The bottom line
You don’t have to do it all alone. The mental load doesn’t belong to moms—it belongs to the family. As Sam Kelly shows, teaching kids to notice and do isn’t just good for moms—it’s good for the kids too.
Related: Thanks to ‘intensive parenting’, raising kids is harder than it used to be, studies show