This season, I’m living even more fully into who I am behind the scrubs and stethoscope. I’m deepening my understanding of whether I’m operating in my highest energy versus operating from stress and fear.
When my mother passed away months ago, I was thrust into unbelievable grief. I looked to family and friends who had lost a parent and wondered how they got through it. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to do more than just get through it. I want to honor my mother by living even more fully—by living my best life.
I began to reflect on my life and journey in medicine. Historically, I overcommit in my career. There’s a sick call? Call me. I’ll work. There’s an uncovered shift? Yep, I’ll do it. But when life changed as dramatically as it did the moment my mom took her last breath, everything changed for me.
Reflecting on my life, I realized I’ve been asking the wrong questions. In stressful times, I silently wonder what’s wrong with me. Why am I getting upset when I see my colleagues just cruising along? Why am I triggered?
I’ve used too much time and energy looking for answers to those questions when the question I need to ask to get the deepest, most meaningful, and impactful response is: “Who am I being in medicine?”
This is the question I’m exploring now.
In the midst of patient care, I’m checking in and making sure I’m holding the highest energy for the best outcomes for the patients and family. The difference now is I serve from a place of peace and expansion, not stress and overwhelm. Rather than draining me, I have daily practices in place that nurture and nourish me.
In colleague interactions, I’ve ditched the people-pleasing and enjoy setting boundaries. I’ve realized that the most important person—in fact, the only person—who needs to know my boundaries is me. Maybe you already realized this, but for me, it’s a new discovery. I have boundaries that honor my core values. Boundaries make my yes and no more powerful. Boundaries free up energy so there’s energy available for what’s most important, whether it’s in the clinical setting, having dinner with family, or simply sitting on the couch and breathing.
I dance with opportunities and evaluate if it’s in my best interest in the short term and over the long haul. Here’s what I mean. This is my season of extreme self-care. It meant that I took more than the one week allotted for bereavement. I needed time to care for myself at my most vulnerable before I headed back to the hospital to care for people at their most vulnerable. It’s best for me and best for the patients.
Hmmm … no one ever tells us that.
In the past, I would have taken the week, forged ahead, and returned to work. In this season, I know better. I deserve better. And by extension, my patients get a better doctor.
This season, I’m owning my value more than I have ever done before. It’s not selfish. In fact, it’s necessary to be of service to patients while medicine is of service to me.
Stephanie Wellington is a physician and can be reached at Nurturing MDs.
